Culture

Martha Stewart And Snoop Dogg Herald End Of An Old America

Submitted by Norman Burgundy

As many of us are nervously watching our waists while eye-balling leftover pumpkin pie and other fatty foods in the fridge in the odd, frantic period between Thanksgiving and Christmas (which used to be called “Advent”), Martha Stewart, the queen of American home decor and official gatekeeper of (mostly white) American holiday dinners, has inaugurated the 2017 holiday season by launching a television show with a former convicted drug dealer, pimp, and hip artist who claims to smoke 80 marijuana joints a day.

Surprising?

Yes, but, upon further reflection, not really, for the story of the rise and fall of Martha Stewart from fashion model and media mogul to single and visibly depressed old lady is the story of the rise and fall of America in our boring, depressed, and degenerate but still tolerably tasteful age.

Rising from a notoriously hot-tempered basement run catering service boss to the head of a global media empire, Martha Stewart, ironically the daughter of Polish parents, kept alive the last flames of American wholesome WASPness in the 90s and into the 21st century. Martha’s flagship magazine Martha Stewart Living, filled with recipes for “Slow Cooker Pot-Roast” and guides for “Reusable Lunch Bags” became a sort of Bible for stuff white people like and made sure that the comfy cozy Eisenhauer America won by the greatest generation at least made it through era of George W Bush  and the iphone.

Martha Stewart in her prime was a living icon for American whiteness. Martha had a knack for mom things that made them cool and even “feminist”–but not in a gross cat lady librarian sort of way. Martha transcended political barriers and made even such boring white people things like “DIY Lip Balm” and “Preserving Fall Leaves” seem chic and attractive. Her holiday specials were always splendidly and triumphantly white with tables full of “Perfect Roast Turkey” and the very goyish “Glazed Holiday Ham.”

However, what was most appealing about Martha Stewart was that she was the boss of her household, ruling her elegant seven homes like a terrible ancient Roman matron known for her gentle devotion to the fatherland as well as her torturing her slaves brought in from the barbarian hinterlands. Marching in front of the adoring and jealous camera, Martha’s tours of her houses populated with dozens of nervous workers revealed a world of squeekly clean white people elegance ruled over by a WASP-accented Slavic mother bear with a will of steel.

Rather than having to nervously cringe under the probing chubby paw of a very gross Harvey Weinstein promising her her big break, Martha Stewart gave orders, and men listened. It was always a rare pleasure to see lisping florists and bakers scurry about with flower stuffed vases under the piercing gaze of Martha.

However, all good (and, thankfully, also bad) things come to an end, and Martha, perhaps, feeling the pinch of having to maintain seven homes, has had to come terms with the vulgar, t-shirt adorned reality of a diverse 21st century America.

At the age of 76, Martha is still gorgeous and triumphantly and majestically the queen of the American holiday season. However, her ability to charm away “bad Martha” has faded with the years, and in her media appearances, we see occasional outbursts of angry, old white lady behavior.

No where is Martha less Martha than on her brand new show with balding hip hop artist Snoop Doggy Dogg who now just goes by “Snoop Dogg” or the monosyllabic “Snoop.”

While Snoop had made millions by marketing himself as a hardcore gang banging murdering criminal, he, in fact, has matured into a smooth old black cat, working the very white and very gay audience for special guest appearances on the stylishly tomboyish but depressed lesbian Ellen Degeneres’s show.

On the show, despite Martha moments, Snoop’s black cat charm largely makes Martha look like the confused and angry white neighbor who is forced to deal with the nouveau riche homeboy next door.

And for the record, the appearance on Ellen almost completely fell apart with the usually cocky, wise-cracking Ellen nervously commenting on air that her director–some fellow named “Andy” (who, if he is not a homosexual with a temper worse than Martha Stewart herself at 4:30 in the morning, then your humble author is a kangaroo)–is telling them to “hurry along.”

On the campy and awkward, “Martha and Snoopy’s Potluck Dinner Party,” Martha Stewart, once the platinum blonde queen of the American home, has become like a formerly mighty circus bear who is awkwardly trotted out in front of a nervous crowd that revers more the memory of what she once was than what is before their very eyes.

However, at home on the pages of her elegant magazine and her very tasteful and very, um, white-looking website, Martha is still Martha, ready with a tray of delicious holiday treats and a perfected warmly WASP accent.

While our country goes down the diversity drain and Christmas seems less Christmasy every year, we can be sure that all of Martha Stewart’s days will be merry and bright and all her Christmases will be very white.

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19 Comments on "Martha Stewart And Snoop Dogg Herald End Of An Old America"

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sapphireblue
Guest

Snoop smokes 80 joints a day?! How is that even possible? And Martha’s shine may not be as bright, but she still rocks even at 76.

John Doe
Guest
My perspective is this: the greatest prophets, sages and teachers from around the world and throughout history have beckoned this lost human race to be peacemakers (“blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God.” Matthew 5:9,) (“God’s law is the basis of all right relationships, showing us how to love God and our fellow humans.” Matthew 22:37-40,) (“The letter and spirit of God’s law shows us how to act in a way that produces peace.” Matthew 5:21-26, 38-48.) These are the recorded words of Jesus but these words are mirrored and reflected around the world.… Read more »
Melinda Santa Cruz
Guest

Hilarious, but man you’re tough on old ladies.

bewitched
Guest

and they expect to have an appetite after watching these uglies bake cupcakes.

Steve
Guest

Martha Stewart in my opinion is, and always has been, the very epitome of the unlikable snobby rude upper class bitch. As a laid back person would probably be accused of being “white trash” by a hag like her, I’d love to make a mess of her kitchen just to watch her short circuit and explode.

site665
Guest

Wow. That’s classy. Tearing up someone’s home and life’s work, just because they’re richer than you. As if you’d be justified to treat ANYONE like that, regardless of their income.

That said, you’re right about “snobby Martha”. It’s ridiculous that “Guest Writer” called her the “living icon for American Whiteness”. Even at the dawn of her empire, she had priced most Whites out of her brand.

Gubbler+Chechenova
Guest

ROTFL. Boomers Gone Wild.

She should market a line of ACOWW wear. Afro-Colonization-of-White-Wombs. Zebra designs

Jack Burton
Guest

Martha’s daughter said that she’s a fraud and never cooked for her as a child growing up. She’s just another Jewish Hollywood production to separate the gullible goyim from their money.

Fidelis Ad Urnum
Guest

I used to love her and she was a sort of idol for me. I subscribed to her magazine and eagerly anticipated the Halloween issue every year- until the quality took a downturn. That was shortly before she went all diversity on us. Then I saw the snoop dog BS start and I was so done. It’s like everything I love gets ruined. And now they’re telling children Santa Clause is a gay black man. Ugh.

Lexi
Guest

No comment just yet. I’m still trying to process this.

Lexi
Guest

But a question: Being the embodiment of an ideal we could all aspire to, knowing that we’ll never measure up, and knowing that even she herself doesn’t measure up, wasn’t enough for her? Oh well. I guess any celebrity, almost by definition, will always try to hang on fame rather than embrace a dignified retirement to obscurity.

Walpot von Bassenheim
Guest
Walpot von Bassenheim

The K Mart and prison time periods have gotta be chapters in this tragic tale of decline.

Jacques Périer
Guest

Awful what this woman is having to do to herself to maintain cultural relevance.

A complete mockery of her career.

Melinda Santa Cruz
Guest

Id rather live under a bridge.

SorenSchwarzwald
Plus Member

Dude don’t out yourself as a troll so easily

Andy
Guest
You know, when i was a teenager i was at a concert where snoop dog performed, 99,9% white audience. Before that everything was cool, but as soon pet monkey entered the stage some people started lighten up their joints and then something happend antrophologists describe with monkeys when they introduce limited resources to the monkeys. People were snatching the plunts from one another and fights broke out. They started to fight for these strange things within their now zero summ enviorment. Just one drop of oil polutes a whole can of water. Just one monkey throwing his shit around is… Read more »
John Doe
Guest
Before you call my people monkeys. Get your grammar corrected first sir. You should possibly get invited to the show to open your eyes. Because your eyes Mr Andy are “eyes wide shut”. White civilization you say the same civilization who is scared the minority is taking over. People like you the karma is coming around and the universe will be detoxifying people like you. Pay attention to the signs Mr Andy. Be prepared for the change and don’t fear it because it will be inevitable and it will forced to wake up. Don’t talk down on my people. All… Read more »
White Entertainment TV
Guest
White Entertainment TV

John Doe, When Andy said, “Monkey” WET , He was being Generous.

NiggersStink
Guest

Keep dreaming, monkey. Your delusions and gaslighting are catching up. The time to pay your due is at hand. You’ve lived past your expiration date on the good graces of White civilization. This diversity you speak of is just another speed bump on the perpetual march to glory by the European man and woman. Tick tock simian. Tick tock.